Of stuffs that I really wanna do.

Ok. This is bad. I've eaten Carl's Jr. TWICE in seven days.

Terrible! Thats the caloric equivalent of 6 Macdonald meals! Frightening.
Can someone forbid me from going to that place for the next 1 month?

I think I'm going to just eat fruits the whole day today.

sigh...

School has started for Singapore Polytechnic, and Dominic is back at Dover.

Far. Far. Away.

His examinations are coming up soon, which means that we can't meet up much.
After his examinations, I will be away in Thailand.

When I return from Thailand, it will be Chinese New Year. Both of us will have to visit relatives and stuff..

After Chinese New Year, Dominic has his internship attachement as well.

How on earth can we even meet up?

He stays so far away, I feel guilty everytime I ask him to go to town.

and I can't possibly go to his house area everytime... its really boring, and extremely far from my house...


By nature, I'm a planner... I stretch out my timetable for months, and I calculate the time I can spend on everything meticulously. (even blogging).
sigh. =/

I wanna join the national dragon boat team...

but practice is on Saturday... and I always have band practices on Saturday...

sigh.

I wanna go out with Dominic on Fridays.... but he always has work on Friday...

sigh.

I wanna go Sentosa and suntan on an afternoon... but every single afternoon in my week is occupied.

sigh.

I wanna learn hip hop dancing and advance break dancing... but I just dont have the time..

I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO DO ANYTHING I WANT!!!

I'M SICK OF MAPLESTORY AND DOTA!! (even though my bone fletch is undisputedly good.)

I WANNA DO SOMETHING I LIKE!!! for once...

for once, in fact, I found out a group-sports that I really, really like alot. Which is hip-hop dancing.
Basically, for those who know me, I've never been a sucker for big game sports.

I do play soccer and basketball. but not an exceptional fan.

I swim, play waterpolo, but (now) not an exceptional fan.

I canoe and kayak. individually.
I swim. individually.
I gym. individually.

I want some time... to do something i like!!

jeez. I regret not joining hip-hop dance club in SP. =/

Tired.

I'm tired... really tired... of everything...

I think I need a break from church... like a really REALLY long break...

firstly, to settle some of my own stuffs...

and to actually FIND some time in my entire week to rest...


I have NO life. NO life at all.

Monday - Friday = WORK
Sat = Church
Sunday = Church + WORK

wth??

I find even looking at my schedule disgusting nowadays...

Somebody save me.

Stress is an understatement.
Students complain about stress, yup. Its definately a form of stress, no less then work.
But I realize that working stress affects you in a different way.

Students have something to look forwards to (I.e. Long breaks, weekends etc.)

Working adults have NOTHING. absolutely nothing.
Apart from the meagre 9 days of holidays allocated randomly throughout the year, it is just a bleak horizon of WORK, WORK and MORE WORK.

Even doing fun stuff loses its color after awhile. Everything fades from neon to dull, to sepia then greyscale... then everything is in tattered black and white.

You give a twitch of your eyebrow when you get free concert tickets and you yawn when you meet superstars.


Maybe I can treat my daily gym sessions as a form of anticipation...

Recently, I've been building on mass like nobody's business... and.. hmm.. been seeing alot of positive results...

who knows, I might defy physiological design and become a mesomorphic!

hmm..

The gym sessions really pay off, the amount of strength I have gained is exponential.

I can actually rip a pair of jeans apart with my bare hands now.


yaay. Maybe I can reach my ideal body before I enter army.

haha

=)

*grins*

just for personal amusement.. haha

Your Nightmare, My Reality.

Recently, I've been having nightmares...
Not really just one nightmare per night, but a series of nightmares per night...

Usually, when I wake up the next morning, I'd forget everything on purpose. But when it goes on for several days in a row (*you know it intuitively)...

These nightmares are not the normal "I scare you, you die, you wake up" type of nightmares.... but things that are based on fluctuations in reality, as though an alter in reality would cause this cascede of events to happen...

So, to Richard... That nightmare that you experienced, is not something that individually happened to you, but was MY dream... some time ago...

It was my choice to ignore it... but when you wrote it down, it came back like a clear flashback...


As most of you know, I have the ability to alter my dreams into whatever I want, as long as I can control myself...
But, when I'm caught in doing something in a blur of emotions, or in a dillema, the dream just plays with or without me controlling it..

And thats what happened.

- house on the hill, I choose to sleep and wake up in the dream -

I wake up in rage... I only knew anger, hate, malice, spite and most of all, vengence... You all seperated me from the person I love, claiming that you did it for my own good...
I felt strength coursing through my body... I realize that this is not the present "me" because I could punch a dent metal doors as I stomped out of the lift...

Everybody was there... showing mocking looks of concern, like as though people at church truly cared.
What would they know about my love for a guy that they don't even know?

I pushed down the metal cabinet, and grabbed the metal pole. I swung it, and hit the wall. I saw something better. A knife.

I asked once. "What did you do?"
then i screamed and hit my "best friend" in the jaw before slashing him across the face.

All the girls ran to the corner. I couldn't care.

Nicholas tried and stop me, I flung him off like an insect. One by one everyone came, and I hit, stabbed and manuvered until I came to someone.
I couldnt even see properly coz everything was blur.

When I looked down, I realize that I actually killed Dominic in my rage...

Left and right was my best friends, Simon and Haryanto... they were lying in a pool of blood...

I fainted and everything went black...


I only wanted to die...



Does this explain your dream clearer?
This is just a summary...

It happened a long time ago... like last month...

But your entry triggered back an explosion of memories....


Frankly, my faith is extremely unstable... to the point of giving up everything...

I don't know who to trust, what to do or what is right or wrong anymore...

I just want to slam my door and turn my back on everything and everybody.... and hide in one corner and become invisible...


I don't know why you're a spectator in my dream, or why you're there... but all I know is that... something is wrong...


......



I know I'll never do something like that in reality, but I already feel a growing distrust and dislike for some people in the church....

I always feel like I'm truly not one of "them".

I call them friends, when I don't even know what is going on...

You all can never understand the conflicting feelings that keep raging within me everytime I enter church...

A homosexual christian?



I don't want people to feel ashamed about having me as a friend already.

worse, I dont want them to feel ashamed about having me as an enemy...

Haha... All SB and DMC students should know this by heart... =D

A Professor at one of the Universities was explaining marketing concepts
to the Students:-

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's Telemarketing

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then
say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and
says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you
say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry
me?" and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your market
share

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you
say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets.


haha =)

My Answer is No.

Guess what?... Dominic's parents read my blog...

And, Dominic's dad wants me to remove Dominic's picture from my blog...

Just like how he made Dominic erase his blog.

Just like how he made Dominic erase his pictures.


I guess, my answer this time is no.


Apart from the fact that my blog is my personal space, it is a manifesto of my feelings, emotions, thoughts and most of all... life.

Erasing his picture holds true to erasing him from my life...

As much as you want me to erase him from my life, and as much as you want him to erase me from my life. I will not.

What did I even do wrong?...
What did he even do wrong?

I can find no other logical explanation for your recent course of actions that you impose on Dominic apart from the fact that you're trying to deny the world the truth that your son is gay.

Are you embarressed? or even ashamed?

I'm not an alcoholic,
I'm not a drug-addict,
I'm not a gangster,
I'm not mentally deficient.

I am a person with defined moralisitic values.

Are you scared I'll influence him negatively?

I doubt there could be anyone who could influence him more positively.



You know what I'm really scared of?

I'm scared of you.

In your course of actions, you're destroy his memories and ruining friendships.

yes, merely by deleting the blog, you've successfully erased 2 years of referential memories...

what glory is there in that?

Its like planting a bomb in the national museum...

If you even click on his old blog address, the Blogger webmaster actually randomized it to external links, turning it into a pornographic site.

ironically, a pornographic site with pictures of females.


What do you gain?


By nature, I'm a pragmatic person. Complementing the completely irrational nature of Dominic. That is the reason why he followed blindly without realizing the repercussions.

He's 18 years old...

Isn't it time that you let him decide what is best for him?

Isn't it about time that you let another person care for him in a different way then you can?

If you can still remember what it is like when you first met your wife, you'd agree with me that your parents do not control your decision...

Likewise, Dominic loves me.

And by a far greater extent, I love Dominic.


Just remember that by doing all these, you'll only cause Dominic to hold on tighter to me...

but its sad... when i keep telling him that his parents are very important in maintaining the relationship...




how much more do you want?

I won't delete my blog, apart from the reason that he is part of my life now.

That my blog is one of the top 100 in Singapore,
That my blog has clocked 40,000 visitors.

most of all, my blog is my memories.

nope. I wont alter my memories.




I know that once you have read this, we will most likely be enemies for a long time. You would hate me even more, knowing that I have some control over your son's life.

Just know one thing. That you can't be by his side forever, and when that time comes, I WILL be the one to prove to you who can.



sorry.

I REsolve to.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Other then the fact that I had to go to work on New Years Day, everything is a-okay.

Never imagined I would still be with my dear after the past nightmarish month...

Well, life goes on, and its time to make my NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS!!

well. 10 goals. Ain't too much is it?

1) Get solid GOLD for NAPFA/IPPT.

2) Get into (at best) Naval Diving Unit, or Commandos, OR Officer Cadet School. I will not settle for anything less.

3) Get my complexion close to flawless, or at least make it alot better.

4) Get into Dominic's parent's good books

5) Get my abs, six-pack. Eight if possible.

6) Master Adobe Premier, at least to the same standard as Final Cut Pro.

7) Redesign my wardrobe

8) Clear my study cabinet and desks of notes, file them and archieve them for later references

9) Try and get a jumpstart on dermatology

10) Get Clara to take over for a period of time on the synthesizer.


I, Andrew, hereby resolve to fulfill the aforesaid to the best of my effort. And in doing so, I will bear in mind that each an every goal will have a serious impact on my life.


sigh, this year will be a really wierd year for me.
I'd most likely be going into army around late July or August.

I'd finish my internship on 26 of January. Which gives me approximately 5 months to do something that I really want to do.

Because, this 5 months will most likely be the last "long term" holiday I'll ever have in my life.

Yeah. Sad, but true.

sigh.

I really REALLY REALLY want to go into the Naval Diving Unit...
I don't care how tough or hard the training is, nor how much risks are there to take, or how exhausted I would be at the end of the day...

To be in the Navy "Seals" is something that I always wanted to be...

but, considering my eyesight.... sigh...

Its like a little kid dreaming of becoming a pilot. Of taking to the air...

I dream of breaking the waves and exploring the sea...


Dreams. always dreams..

But there's always commandos! Ha! That will be a mark in my millitary achievements!


Hmm... If you've known me long enough, I'm somebody who cannot stand doing something which will not make a prominent mark on my life.


urgh. jeez. I sound like an overcompetitive pefectionist loser.


anywayz, I got the day off tmr, (incidentally, its a public holiday!)... err.. does anybody wants to date me out?

.. since Dominic is throwing me in the corner, alone and lonely with nobody to go out with....

=/